


A Certain Beauty

by astromirage



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Cancer, Character Death, Heavy Angst, Inspired by The Fall of Icarus (Ancient Greek Religion & Lore), M/M, Metaphors, Poetic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:48:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27720265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astromirage/pseuds/astromirage
Summary: "Here is what they don’t tell you:Icarus laughed as he fell.Threw his head back andyelled into the winds,arms spread wide,teeth bared to the world.(There is a bitter triumphin crashing when you should besoaring.)The wax scorched his skin,ran blazing trails down his back,his thighs, his ankles, his feet.Feathers floated like prayerspast his fingers,close enough to snatch back.Death breathed burning kissesagainst his shoulders,where the wings joined the harness.The sun painted everythingin shades of gold.(There is a certain beautyin setting the world on fireand watching from the centreof the flames.)"-Fiona
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 18





	A Certain Beauty

**Author's Note:**

> now i hope you deeply enjoy this!!!! this deals with some of my trauma surrounding familial deaths. i truly hope this made sense! i worked really hard on this! i saw this piece of work "Icarus Smiled" and knew i had to do something with it.

Kei knew their relationship was bound for failure. He ignored every sign, every piece of pain in turn for a blissful existence with the one he loves. Loving Tadashi felt like diving head first into boiling water but not caring that the burning liquid was scorching his skin and stinging his eyes. 

He knew that being so close to a star that burned so bright, would eventually cause his hands to sweat and for his grip to slip and for him to fall away. But he can't blame Tadashi's burning light as the only reason he'd be slipping away. 

He would be the one to hurt his beloved, but Tadashi would be the one who would love too fiercely, too warmly and Kei would fall from grace. But it wouldn't be Tadashi's fault for the free fall Kei would experience. 

Kei couldn't match Tadashi, but he tried. It isn't enough. It would never be enough. 

Kei watches as Tadashi leaves the bedroom, his heart is pounding, he smiles wildly and slides his glasses on his face. He can feel himself falling apart, he feels his world being set aflame of his own doing. There's something so enchanting about watching everything you know and love burn to ashes and being the one who did it. 

Kei loves being loved, but that is coming to an end. 

It was nice to spend his time with the boy he credited with saving his life. 

Just his luck it wouldn't be enough and Kei would have to watch himself hurt his one and only. 

Kei feels his smile fades and he grips onto his arms tightly. He gets up and slowly but surely makes his way to Tadashi's side. 

"Hey," he mumbles, wrapping his arms around Tadashi's waist. 

"Hey there Kei." he chuckles, turning around and taking the blonde man into a kiss. 

"I love you." he says simply, trying not to cry as caresses Tadashi's cheeks, kissing him deeply. 

"I love you too." 

Kei closes his eyes tightly, trying, just trying to keep it together long enough to finish out the day without collapsing or exhausting himself. 

"I'll be right back, okay?" 

"Okay." Tadashi nods, kissing Kei's forehead gently. 

Love felt good. Love felt nice, to give it and to receive it. But now, for the past weeks, it's felt like free falling, away from his star, away from the gentle grasp of his beloved. 

He still feels loved, it feels oddly warm and comforting to be falling when he should be held in his lovers arms. It's almost like he deserves this, this fleeting feeling of hope, the impending doom of his inevitable fate. 

Kei retreats to their shared bedroom and locks the door. He sits at his desk and quickly scribbles out a letter on Tadashi's favorite star stationary. 

It's short and sweet and exactly Kei. 

He doesn't know how this is going to hurt his love, but he doesn't feel like there's any other way. 

He finishes it off, wiping tears off of his cheeks, slides it in the matching envelope, signs it, 'for my star' and sets it on his bedside table. That's saved for later. 

He stares at the letter as tiredness grips him. He doesn't have much time, pangs of pain shoot through his body and he feels exhaustion deep in his core. 

"Fuck." He mutters, he trips to the door, unlocks it and calls Tadashi in. 

Tadashi rushes into the room, "What's wrong Kei?" 

"Follow me to the bed?" 

The green haired man nods and sits in their bed, Kei tries his hard to not crumple to the ground on his journey to the bed. He gets into the bed and feels his body ache. 

"Hey." 

"Hi?" 

"I have a lot more to do in this world. But I can't." 

"Kei?" 

"I'm sorry." 

"What, Kei? I'm not understanding anything." 

"I'm sick. Terminal illness is one hell of a bitch." 

"T-terminal illness?" 

"Yea, I kinda have cancer." he sighs. "Not kinda, I have cancer." 

"No. No, this cannot be real." 

"I wanted to give you so much for what little time I had left."

"No, Kei you can't leave, there's treatment and you can live and we can be together forever." Tadashi pleads, tears streaming down his face. 

"It's too advanced, let me just have you while I still can." 

Tadashi nods silently and cuddles Kei into him tightly. Kei quickly snatches the letter he wrote and gives it to his boyfriend. 

"Read it when I'm gone. Not before." 

"You have given me everything I ever wanted in life Kei. You are my happiness, you are my light, you are the only one I'll ever need." 

"Don't say that, do me a favor and let everyone know, I didn't have time. Found out too late. Let them down easy. Yea?" 

"You got it, love." 

Kei being held by Tadashi burnt with love. It sears his skin and blazes everything around him. But it felt right. To spend his last cursory moments with the only man he's ever loved, it was beautiful. 

Even if he was making a rapid descent from his place next to his star, he could smile and say that he was loved. 

They sat there for hours, Tadashi never losing his grip on the man he adored. 

"I'm tired Tadashi." 

"Okay," Tadashi tries his best to not sob harder than he had been. "Then go to sleep, love." 

"I love you. So much. You're my star." Kei mumbles before closing his eyes for the last time. 

From Tadashi's throat rips a furious and gut wrenching sob. He calls emergency services immediately, he doesn't know what exactly to do. 

Dead on Arrival. Nothing they can do. They're so sorry. 

Nothing helps Tadashi's peace of mind, he has nothing to say. He has things to do and formalities to take care of. He has a boyfriend to plan funeral services for. He locks himself in his bathroom and sobs for hours until the years run out. His eyes sting and burn but he finally has the guts to open that letter. 

And it hurts. 

Dear Tadashi Yamaguchi, 

You are my stars, I tell you that all the time. You made my life worth living. I love you. I knew about my cancer and didn't tell you. That was so selfish, so selfish. But I just wanted my few months to be pure peace. They were. I'm sorry I was so tired, I hid it well though didn't I? I'm a good actor. 

Anyways. 

I was your Icarus. You are the brightest star in existence but it wasn't your fault that I fell. Your love was warm and sunny and hot but I was sick. And selfish. 

I was unable to love you as long as I wanted to, as I should have. 

This is my goodbye because I'm just a little too much of a pussy to say goodbye to you face to face. I was afraid I'd cry. I cried when I got diagnosed and got told how long I'd have left, (it wasn't much), I sobbed when I had to tell brother and mom. 

I'm sobbing writing this. I didn't want you to see me ever cry. 

If you look in my bedside drawer, I have a will and an engagement ring, just in case Japan ever legalized gay marriage, I wish I had that long. 

I love you my star. Don't you ever forget that. 

Love, your dumb stupid boyfriend, Kei Tsukishima.


End file.
